Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I did want the moon and the stars.

Day 16: Something difficult about your "lot" in life and how you're working to overcome it.

My lot in life isn't one I can really complain about. However, I've done a lot of reflecting lately - being that I turn 30 in 4 days. Looking back - I thought I'd live in a much different world than I actually do. When I was 20 - 30 felt like a lifetime away. Hell, when I turned 29, 30 still felt like a lifetime away. 

Ten years ago I suppose I imagined I'd have the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, wonderful husband, and this "family" life - you know the one - the picture of the life we're supposed to have that's driven into our minds at a young age. Ten years ago I never stopped and thought... "What if that isn't where I am at 30?" 

That didn't seem like an option really. 

But at that time I had a steady, wonderful boyfriend, who would have given me the moon and stars had I asked for them. Why aren't we still together? It's quite simple, we weren't in love. We loved, oh, we really loved each other. But we weren't in love - we weren't in that I need you kind of love. And that wasn't enough for me - I did want the moon and stars. And I know had we stayed where we were - we would have just settled among the clouds. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but it was wrong for me. 

So seven years, a couple toxic relationships, and a handful of messy later - here I am. Single. Not married. Not working on the white picket fence life. Do I regret it? Hell no. I've learned so much about who I am. Not who I am with someone else. I know Jac. And we've came a long way from the girl who was once a raging bitch, fight starter, and quite frankly just a princess. I've mellowed. I've become more okay with myself. On my terms. Not anyone else's. 

Of course I struggle sometimes with where I am... when I spend time with Harper and see my brother and the life he is making for himself and Hollie. I'm proud of him and happy for him and wish I were at a similar spot in my life... but I know the time will come and the pieces will fall into place. I see some of my childhood friends engaged and wedding planning and I'm so thrilled for them - and again, for a moment, wish I were there. But then I remember that my time will come... and when it does. I'll be ready. 

So until those moments arise, and I find myself in the midst of my life changing that way - I'll enjoy every second that I have living this life, my life. I'll smother Harper with my love, I'll invest my time in crazy places, I'll screw up, I'll enjoy my selfish moments, I'll revel in quiet mornings, I'll take advantage of shopping for myself, and I'll try my best to enjoy doing whatever I want - whenever I see fit. That's all we can do, anyways... right? 

Enjoy the little things. Because usually... they're the things that matter the most. 

So as I embark on 30, in four days. I'm going to take it in stride and not see it as the end of something but rather the beginning. And I like that. And I like that I've come to terms with that - because a month ago I wasn't even going to acknowledge the day. Now, I'm excited to celebrate it with my best and dearest friends and family. 

Phew, how's that for a rambling post? I apologize. Blah, blah, blah...

Happy Thursday, sweet cheeks!


Anonymous said...

I soo needed that! Thanks Jac! My boyfriend and I split up last night and its good to hear how positive you are! Makes me want to do the same thing! I realized too that we were in love but only to the clouds and I soo want more than that! So thank you for that amazing reminder!


Hope Hicks said...

Thirty is the new twenty right? I imagine thirty is a number that shows survival in your twenties. Twenties are hard. Its all about growing and correcting your flaws. Heck im married and have a baby and am still growing and learning about myself. I can't wait to be apart of this new decade from afar or close up with you. You'll rock it and the last pieces of the puzzle will come together for you and you will be so appreciative you are ready. :) I feel that's a blessing in itself.

Alissa said...

I love every single word of this. I will be going back to read it over and over again.

I'm 26...will be 27 in September. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because as much as I love him, I'm not in love with him. And I look at people who are so in love, and think, "That's what I want, and that's not what I had."

So, I hear you. On all of this. I will love my nephew to death. I will be happy for my friends who are getting married or having babies. And I will be ready when it's my turn.

NOW...let's have a drink to celebrate your birthday!

Anonymous said...

This is a grest post Jackie!! I will read this over and over. I'm in the process of finding myself with two kids. Sometimes I don't know where to start but I know it will come. I just have to be happy first!! 30 has been okay for me I have a lifetime to go!

Kate said...

Not going to lie...I followed you as part of the Bloglovin Blog Hop and then I saw this post and fell in love with it. <3 I'm turning 30 in two weeks, and honestly, while I'm relatively contented with my current lot in life, it is so not what I imagined for myself at 20, 25, even 29. It's been a process to learn to accept the life I have and what's come along, and adjust my goals and dreams to reflect it. So, thank you for this's good to know I'm not alone on that count!

Claudz said...

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I realised I reached my age where I thought I would have it all. 7 years later I am married and still working on it all. We all get there, at the pace that is right for us. Well written!

Rebecca said...

Wow, I could have written this, except I'll be turning 32 in 8 days. I can definitely relate to how you feel, even down to what you said about your brother. . My brother and his girlfriend have just bought a house and I am so, so happy for them, but yet part of me thinks "when will it be my turn."
Glad I've found your blog, I'm going to follow along.

casey ann said...

i think it'd be pretty crazy to see how we'd all turn out if we lived the lives we thought we 'should' when we were little ones.. mine would have been SO different and i don't think 'good' different if you know what i mean!!

happy early birthday :) hope you enjoy celebrating with your friends + fam!!

Shaylynn... a girl, a story, a blog said...

This is perfect.

this is perfect.

this is perfect.

and you are perfect in this wait.

I don't know, I just understood every word. Know that.

Sara said...

Oh my...I can't describe how I felt when I turned 30...I liked it for myself, but I felt like others would think of me as old. It's not old, but sometimes people think of it that way!! Hope you find happiness in whatever you do. You kinda look like a blog I might like to check out often...hope you can stop by mine too!