Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I did want the moon and the stars.
Day 16: Something difficult about your "lot" in life and how you're working to overcome it.
My lot in life isn't one I can really complain about. However, I've done a lot of reflecting lately - being that I turn 30 in 4 days. Looking back - I thought I'd live in a much different world than I actually do. When I was 20 - 30 felt like a lifetime away. Hell, when I turned 29, 30 still felt like a lifetime away.
Ten years ago I suppose I imagined I'd have the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, wonderful husband, and this "family" life - you know the one - the picture of the life we're supposed to have that's driven into our minds at a young age. Ten years ago I never stopped and thought... "What if that isn't where I am at 30?"
That didn't seem like an option really.
But at that time I had a steady, wonderful boyfriend, who would have given me the moon and stars had I asked for them. Why aren't we still together? It's quite simple, we weren't in love. We loved, oh, we really loved each other. But we weren't in love - we weren't in that I need you kind of love. And that wasn't enough for me - I did want the moon and stars. And I know had we stayed where we were - we would have just settled among the clouds. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but it was wrong for me.
So seven years, a couple toxic relationships, and a handful of messy later - here I am. Single. Not married. Not working on the white picket fence life. Do I regret it? Hell no. I've learned so much about who I am. Not who I am with someone else. I know Jac. And we've came a long way from the girl who was once a raging bitch, fight starter, and quite frankly just a princess. I've mellowed. I've become more okay with myself. On my terms. Not anyone else's.
Of course I struggle sometimes with where I am... when I spend time with Harper and see my brother and the life he is making for himself and Hollie. I'm proud of him and happy for him and wish I were at a similar spot in my life... but I know the time will come and the pieces will fall into place. I see some of my childhood friends engaged and wedding planning and I'm so thrilled for them - and again, for a moment, wish I were there. But then I remember that my time will come... and when it does. I'll be ready.
So until those moments arise, and I find myself in the midst of my life changing that way - I'll enjoy every second that I have living this life, my life. I'll smother Harper with my love, I'll invest my time in crazy places, I'll screw up, I'll enjoy my selfish moments, I'll revel in quiet mornings, I'll take advantage of shopping for myself, and I'll try my best to enjoy doing whatever I want - whenever I see fit. That's all we can do, anyways... right?
Enjoy the little things. Because usually... they're the things that matter the most.
So as I embark on 30, in four days. I'm going to take it in stride and not see it as the end of something but rather the beginning. And I like that. And I like that I've come to terms with that - because a month ago I wasn't even going to acknowledge the day. Now, I'm excited to celebrate it with my best and dearest friends and family.
Phew, how's that for a rambling post? I apologize. Blah, blah, blah...
Happy Thursday, sweet cheeks!